Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
