I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
