I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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