Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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