How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
