mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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