HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
