i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
