I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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