U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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