this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
