we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
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He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
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"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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