he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
