I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
