my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
