i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
