Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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