She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My ass is underappreciated
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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