why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
