I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
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we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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