Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
