I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
