she told me i tasted like america
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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