I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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