someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
