I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.