why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
