Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly