I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
