remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
