My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
