hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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