I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
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Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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