That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
