There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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