So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
