I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
