Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
