I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize
