There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
