im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
