i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
