Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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