Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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