my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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