Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
