How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
