This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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