I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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