call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
