Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
