I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It was confusing and full of hummus
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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