i just identified you from a description of your pipe
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
