The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
