she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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