Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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