its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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