I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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