so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
