We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
