Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
