just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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